If you’ve ever wanted to become the most famous rapper in music, hold onto your gigantic gold chain, because we’re going to tell you how, step, by expensive limited edition sneaker, step.
1. Make “Amazing” Music
Maybe not a secret, but don’t make terrible music. Nobody wants to hear your inner turmoil, thoughts on politics or silly punchlines. Absolutely don’t say anything important, inspiring or life changing in your music. Make music that will get on the radio. Party Anthems. Some nonsense about popping bottles and being with models. Make sure there is a really annoying beat too. Something very repetitive and screechy. So basically…make terrible music.
2. Sell Out ASAP
OK, so now you’ve got a song that isn’t awful (by radio standards). Start pushing that thing on every human being you come into contact with. Just to be safe, maybe give it to some animals, too. Who knows who makes the decisions in the record industry, anyway. For all you know it could be a Golden Retriever with a really great ear for the rap game. Long story short, get it in the right hands (or paws) and let them do whatever they want with it…as long as you get paid.
3. Prepare to be the song in the closing credits of a kids Pixar movie
That song you didn’t really like writing that was bought by a sleazy record company? It’s now going to be featured in a movie you wouldn’t be caught dead watching. Congratulations! Now you look like a total buffoon to the public!
4. Never Get Paid Royalty Money
Guess what? Now that your basically garbage song was in a kids movie, your career is pretty much over. No one takes you seriously, and the worst part is the record label kept all your money and are probably buying ridiculously expensive bottles of champagnes and riding on yachts. Yachts bigger than your low-income one room apartment.
5. Try and sue the record company ← IMPORTANT!
This is key. You will become most famous by trying to sue the record company for money owed to you. It will earn headlines all across the planet. Things like, “F-List Broke Musician Sues Label” and “No Talent Hack Looking for Handouts.”
6. Fail Miserably, Retire
You’ll never win the court case. Now you’re knee deep in debt to lawyers, too. Time to retire! Retirement will be less about playing golf and relaxing and more about trying to find a minimum wage job at a local fast food franchise that only has one benefit: free french fries.
What a great career could be in store for you!
Follow these six steps and you’ll be the next big thing in music!
Actually, forget it. It’s not worth your time. Just leave it to Flo-rida. He’s halfway through this list anyway. If you really want to become a famous rapper and your music is on point, you should check this out.